


depression doesn't look like a horrific monster

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Writing, aesthetic??? idk lmao, ventish??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 03:22:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16694482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: for 7 years, i had been on the lookout for depressioni wanted to know what it looked likewhat it atewhat it didand how it could hurt othersi thought it was this disgusting, hideous, vile creature that sat on my bed and watched as i sleepmoping and crying about how much better i could bebut then, something changedit changedand i realized that it didn't look like that anymoreit looked completely different





	depression doesn't look like a horrific monster

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Myself](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myself/gifts).



> hello, im kirsty, thank you for choosing my story as a thing to read  
> whether it's late in the evening or in the middle of class because you're bored with your teacher's lectures  
> please note that i am perfectly fine, im doing a lot better than i used to be  
> although, sometimes i have breaking points and feel bad, and that's okay  
> because i know that i'll be better in the end
> 
> if you are feeling depressed, why not speak to the crisis hotline and vent your problems away?  
> text HOME to 314314  
> or if it's getting really serious and you need some actual help, please contact the USA national hotline  
> 1-800-273-8255
> 
> if you live in other parts of the world, please fret not, there's more ways to get help to you  
> may you find your happiness wherever you may go  
> i'll see you guys on the flipside (:

what did depression look like to you?

to me, it looked a little bit like a monster, you know?  
the teeth, the hair all frizzy, the skin so pale, and the heart so mournful  
sitting on my bed, crying as it traced its long, cursed fingers on my legs  
asking me when the pain would stop  
but then i realized that it didn't always look like that   
no, it looked completely different 

on some days, it looked like my favorite teacher, telling me i was worthless and that i would never be able to go become the person i wanted to be  
that it would be all better if i died right at this very moment  
that my grades meant everything, that if i didn't pass, i was too be a failure forever

on other days it looked like my closest friends, each one telling me that i was shit at being a friend  
that they mattered much more than i and that my emotions are invalid and ill be hopeless   
 pushing me in a circle, crying that i would never be good enough  
though, that's not the worst one, surprisingly

maybe it looked like my exes, laughing as i held my own hand, telling me i was such a waste of space  
that i deserved all the pain i felt in their relationships  
that i wouldn't be better  
that it didn't  _fucking_ mattered how much i became more caring and understanding  
i was only good for one thing and that was pleasing people

you may think the worst one is when it disguised itself as my girlfriend  
eyeing me up and down, rolling her eyes, saying that i wasn't ideal enough for her  
that it didn't matter, i wouldn't be able to satisfy her needs  
that im not a good enough partner  
that she'll find someone better  
but, as much as it stung, it wasn't the worst one

it was the late evening, i was sitting in my room, headphones on and eyes closed  
suddenly, the music faded away, and i slowly opened my eyes in confusion  
i was so lost until i saw it  
my family   
my twin brother, my little sisters, my mom, my grandma and grandpa, my step-dad  
i shot up quickly, staring at them   
preparing myself for the pain

my sisters went first  
telling me that i wasn't a good big sister to them  
that i never spoke to them  
that they didn't matter to me  
but, it wasn't true, i tried my hardest but they're changing so fast and i just didn't know what to do

my brother went next  
telling me all these hurtful things that felt like poison being injected into my body  
" you're the worst sister "   
" you won't stick up for me, will you? "  
" how horrible are you? "  
" i thought you were gonna be there for me. "   
as much as i tried to explain myself, getting up, telling him that ill always be there for him  
even on my worst days  
i was pushed away and landed into my grandparent's arms  
and they pushed me down

they both glared daggers at me, watching as i crawled back, trying to avoid their gaze  
" you're always on that phone, you never cared about us! "   
" what if we died? would you even care, or would you just post it on facebook? "   
" you're so ungrateful "   
" no! - " i cried, the tears building up, " that's not true! "   
" i love you both so much! you're my caretakers! "

they faded away and my step-dad moved in their place  
" i called you my angel because you were such an angelic kid  
you cared about others  
but then you changed, you stopped caring  
you don't even call anymore, do you think you're better than us? "   
" no, papa, please. . i just get busy with school, sometimes i have my own problems, i promise you mean the world to me- "   
i couldn't even finish before he, himself, disappeared and there she stood  
my mom, my closest friend, my caretaker 

" you're pathetic.   
you saw me with such an addiction, and yet, you didn't bother to save me.   
you just watched me fall.   
i thought you would be there for me, but, you just watched as i was taken away.   
why do you think you're so much better than me?   
is it because you didn't do that shit like i did?   
you didn't even cry when i was taken away, like your sisters and brother, see they care about me!   
but not you.   
never  **you**. "

i was wheezing on my own tears, trying to speak but all that left my throat was my choked back sobs  
i felt useless   
i felt pathetic   
it didn't mean all of that, i was trying to be a better daughter for you  
i worked hard on trying to be your savior

" momma, please listen to me!  
i love you so much  
you are so close to me   
you saw me, you saw how i felt, and i didn't mean to look so stoic   
i was so hurt i didn't have any tears left!   
i know, i know these all sound like excuses, but please know i mean it!  
i love you, i love you, i love you   
i wanna save you  
i wanted to save you.. "

and just like that, in a blink, i woke up in my bed   
headphones on, set it off playing softly in them, and my face wet and itchy   
my pillow damp   
and that was when i realized depression didn't look like a hideous monster   
 it looked like my inspirations  
it looked like people i trusted  
it looked like past lovers  
it looked like current lovers  
it looked like my closest friends  
it looked like my family 

they all sat on my bed  
watching me with each different color eyes  
different skin tones  
different voices  
i sighed heavily, turning up the volume, and closed my eyes

sometimes, i wish it just kept its disgusting, vile look whenever it wanted attention  
so maybe, just maybe, it'd be easier to get rid of it 


End file.
